Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
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Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
This made me smile…
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.