Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.

My heart 😭

“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”

THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤

Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.

A HERO

KNOW HER NAME!

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?