Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
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the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
two people or more is called a problem
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.