thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual
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Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.