thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual
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I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?