Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
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my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
what’s some good heavy machinery to operate under the influence for a beginner
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”