Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
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200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Ok but actually
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.