Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
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Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
This did not end as expected.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.