Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

why I oughta

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!

Her: really?

Me: nah, you do look tired though.

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys