Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
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11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I can’t deal with men any longer
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss