thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
You Might Also Like
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
*mops up wine with cat*
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
What the dentist sees
