thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
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I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Yup!
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
🙁
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.