thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
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ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS