Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

Respect

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

Deer are just ballerina dogs

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan