Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

consequences, the bane of my existence

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*