Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it

Her: idk google it

Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting

Her: *googling DIY annulment*

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs