Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
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If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
meanwhile over on facebook
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio