Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Me: ok, you boys need a break from screens, I’m taking you to the playground.

My sons: Sure, can we just finish this YouTube video?

Me: *checks* You are 11 mins into a 2hrs 30min video!

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.