thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
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The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I’m about to risk it all
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
2023 was just a warmup
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
