thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
You Might Also Like
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Have a lovely day 😊
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
this is me
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches