thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
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My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.