Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

Hank is one in a melon.

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?