Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.