thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
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[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
mechanics be like
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.