Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them

Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

Still my favorite headline of all time:

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

Spotted in New Orleans.

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored