Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin

once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.

TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)