Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
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The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
What about second breakfast?
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim