Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

12: My favorite band is Green Day

Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?

Me: Clifford’s cousin

Are we there yet?…

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

notice

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date