@lookwhoshira

Thought I was meowing back to my cat for the past hour but it turns out it was just me and my dad meowing at each other from different rooms in the house

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@mooturkey

I used a fax machine today!! I also ran all the cotton thru the gin and plowed the field with my oxen while it finished dialing up.

@egg_dog

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

@iamspacegirl

*I open my McDonald’s bag and a bunch of dirty pigeons fly out*

Narrator: The McPigeon, new from McDonald’s

@Bluestmoon_

My neighbors wifi isn’t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?

@KeetPotato

this is the worst weather ive ever seen
“what about when the wind had sharks in it?”
that was a movie dad
“oh excuse me weather expert”

@coolauntV

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

@MarfSalvador

[Party]

Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb

@shariv67

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.