[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
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It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.