Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
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Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake