Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
plums roundup
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
