Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
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To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Only you can prevent podcasts
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
I support this random dude and all his protests
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.