Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time

HER: you mean ‘ravages’?

ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

Ooops wrong house😂😜

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.