Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.