Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up