Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

I need better friends

The absolute effort that went into this omg

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.