Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
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20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
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Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
philosophical skeletons be like
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced