Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.