Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
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I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
what the
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain