Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
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Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
i’m still crying at this
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky