Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
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New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up