Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

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trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater


I do not understand why we dudes have to use sports idioms for everything.

Honestly, it sounds off base quite often… like we’re coming from left field. We need a new playbook.


Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!


My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.


WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please


Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?


jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship


bezos: *licks eyeball*


If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you’re not a threat.


When I receive an invoice that says ‘early settlement would be appreciated’ I build them a Neolithic village.