trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
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I do not understand why we dudes have to use sports idioms for everything.
Honestly, it sounds off base quite often… like we’re coming from left field. We need a new playbook.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
CASHIER: have a nice day
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords
How about your kid?
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
bezos: *licks eyeball*
If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you’re not a threat.
When I receive an invoice that says ‘early settlement would be appreciated’ I build them a Neolithic village.