Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
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WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.