Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.