Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
Oh deer
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”