Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
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Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.