Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
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I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
not to brag, but mine was free
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy