Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

Voodoo map

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me: [smiling]

Phone: face not recognized

Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]

Phone: oh there you are

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive