Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

operators are standing by to ignore your call

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator