Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
You Might Also Like
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
you can only post this today
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was