thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
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Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
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If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.