Thoughts
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Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I march to the beat of my own dumb
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
This woman is my idol. Free her.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…