Thoughts
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Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
January has been Januweary
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life