thoughts?
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My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Me when my alarm goes off
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.