thoughts?
You Might Also Like
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Rather alarming headline…
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I hope Alan is OK
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan