thoughts?
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A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang