thoughts?
You Might Also Like
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
My background check bounced.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
