Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
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Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?