Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.![]()
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How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
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Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.