Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
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I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
This why you should mind your business
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.