Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

“sticks and stones may break my bones”

“got it, thank you!”

“wait there’s more”

“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.