Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

The Universe can have my atoms back.

I don’t want them anymore.

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.