Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
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my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves