Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
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Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
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I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
How dramatic are you?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.