Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
You Might Also Like
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.