Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
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[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Every house has this drawer
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?