Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
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Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex