Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
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Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?