Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
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Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble