Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
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supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
weaknesses
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.