Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

Breaking news:

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…