Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
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McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.