Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait