thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
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Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.