thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
You Might Also Like
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Truth
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.